Death...

(Finally after 2 weeks of having this document open and trying to write this, I have finished it.)

Death- 1. Extinction; 2. The total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism; 3. The termination or extinction of something

Synonyms- Decease, Demise, Passing, Departure

I think another synonym for death should be selfishness. Not that it is selfish for the person to die. It would be ridiculous for me to say that. I only mean that it should be a synonym for it because we all focus on when we lose someone is how much we want them back or need them back in our lives.

The pain of the realization that they will never be back is sometimes unbearable. I think what hurts the most when you lose someone is when they didn't know how much they meant/mean to you.

I just recently lost my Great Aunt Joan on my birthday, March 9th 2009, at 8 in the morning.

It has left me mostly speechless, It's so hard to even comprehend this loss. But all I keep thinking is how she meant to me, and the fact that she will never know that. She and my Great Uncle Bob lived not even 4 minutes from my house. However, somehow I still couldn't take the time to go visit them. I feel so horrible for that.

She is the one who made family get-togethers not so awkward. She was always cracking jokes that made everyone laugh. She didn't even have to be making jokes. She was always hilarious just being who she was. At all of my cousin's or family member's, she was always there. I always made it a point to go talk to her. I loved her so much. I couldn't wait for the day when I would be getting married and she would be there. Unlike other little girls who pictured and planned everything about their wedding, this was one of the only things I had planned in my head.

The groom and I walking around to all the tables, talking to each guest. Then walking up to her table...I would embrace her. We would talk about how my day had finally come, how she knew it would, and how she was so happy to be there for it...(Cue me sobbing...tears streaming down my face as I type this...)

My mom told me that one of the many bridal showers we had all been to, Aunt Joan was talking to her and said something about not being able to wait until my wedding and being there for that and the shower. She wanted to be there...for MINE...This is something that makes it even harder to have her gone...She won't be there. That moment will never happen.

I was also the only one at all the other weddings to request some polka music for my aunt and uncle. I was almost always at their table at least once trying to get them to come out and dance with me They always responded with, "Well once we hear a good polka, we'll go out there with ya." I would smile and leave to request it...only succeeding at actually getting them to play it at one of the weddings...but they proudly showed off their polka skills when it did happen. Even though she won't be there now for the day when my wedding comes, I will still follow my plan of playing a special polka song for them. It will be very hard and very sad...but it will still be so special to me.

And yet...though I have so many strong feelings of overwhelming sadness and an extreme want to have her back...I missed the chance to go to her funeral. I feel..horrible. I never went to a deceased cousin's funeral in the past because at the time it was too much for me to handle. I completely and utterly regret that decision. And now I missed my aunt's funeral. And the reason I missed it wasn't even worth it. It is all constantly tearing me up inside. All the regret...shock...grief...anger...hopelessness......the pain.

When someone deals with a sudden death, they often think about the things they should have done while they had a chance. And while I am very much thinking that way, I am also trying to to think about God's part in this. So many times when God is being confronted by us and dealing with us questioning His legitimacy, all humans bring up the point of 'Why does He let us go through such hard times'. People going through a loss might think about that or fight with God over it. However, I think that there is something that is overlooked.

Of course I wish I could go back and change things. And maybe that is something God was cluing my in about: "Hey Emma, here is your wake up call to all of the other important people in your life that you are missing out on. You continue to fail to tell them just how important they are to you." That would be a basic first instinct when reacting to a death and leaning on God to give you answers through hard times and focusing on what He wants you to do with the situation. However, besides that very possibly being what He was getting at here, I think there is more that I learned. We are always screwing up as humans...always. But God is there for us with a way out. He is always trying to show us those ways out and a way to reside in Him. But we are constantly overlooking those signs. He gives us so many. They aren't huge. They shouldn't have to be. We should always be looking everywhere for Him anyways. Some people might say that it is harsh for God to let horrible things happen to us just to get our attention. But it is not like He wants to do that. Obviously. Or else e wouldn't be giving us all these other chances or signs. I know it's cliche, but He does stuff like that because He really does love us.

So in the midst of all the crying and grieving from this loss, I was also trying to figure out what God had planned when He allowed it to happen (Even though I didn't really even need to be worried about it. He has His reasons. And it's okay if we don't know them immediately, or ever.). I wanted to know why He would let it hurt so much. Why would He make me regret so many things. Why would He let me be so selfish in wanting her back. Why would He take away the one moment that I had dreamed about for my wedding.

I am always so focused on myself...and then sometimes I am completely focused on others. I often forget that my main focus should never stray off of God. So I inevitably miss all the warning signs or chances He continues to give me. This makes me think of something more when dwelling on the situation with my aunt. The horrible things that God lets happen are usually so horrible because that is all we self absorbed humans seem to listen to. Something that affects US...we are so focused on ourselves, that once something has wronged us in a deeply painful way, then we focus on why the heck it happened. We don't normally pay attention to the easy breezy style of notification from God. If we aren't bothered or hurt or if nothing is affecting us, we will let it be and just float on (Modest Mouse- "Float On" ...Love that song).

So it's not like it doesn't hurt God to do that to us. It very much hurts Him to see us in pain. But He does it because he loves us and cares for us and is looking out for us. And so in a time of pain, when people are saying to thank Him and we don't know why or don't want to, think of what He might have planned. Or maybe think about things that you haven't been paying attention to lately.

I know God affected me through this. And I know there most likely wasn't just something for me in this situation. God is always on the look-out for others too...duh. Always doing the "kill 5 trillion birds with 1 stone" kind of thing. And selfish me knows that He has more motives than just catching my attention from a certain situation.

There is probably no way that I got across what I truly felt in all of this...I've never been good with words. But it is simply this:

It's hard to handle death. It seems like the only thing involved with it is pain and hurt. But there is also so much love that comes with it. Not just from God and those around you consoling you. But you also realize the love you have for that person and the love you are capable of giving to others around you.

Instead of dwelling on the large amounts of pain that resulted from her death, I am going to live with the love that I know I am, capable of. And I am going to make it known to people...it's always good to know you are loved. And focusing on love can only help me when I am growing with God and listening for Him and His warning signs and helpful hints.

God is love.

I will never stop missing my aunt. I will never stop loving her. I'm never going to get over it and move on. And I will probably cry many more tears over her. But in it all there will be love.

Death- Synonym(s) : Love