Fragments

I’m sad.

I’m drained.

I’m immature.

I’m not learning how to be a grown up.

I’m irresponsible.

I’m alone.

I’m needy.

I want comfort.

I want love.

I want to do stuff.

I want to act on motivation.

I want an organized life.

I want someone to be proud of me.

I want to be appreciated.

I want love.

I want support.

I want understanding.

I want change

I want compromise

I want

I’m stubborn

I’m selfish

I’m compassionate

I’m creative

I’m careful

I’m careless

I’m funny

I’m an athlete

I’m out of shape

I try to hard

I’m ridiculous

I don’t have self esteem

I’m moody

I’m a shopper

I’m thoughtful

I’m a people person

I’m a beast

I’m lazy

I like rain

I don’t like wind and rain

I love boating

I want to live in New Zealand

I want to save money

I want new things

I want friends

I want to be me without trying so hard

I want a companion

I loved and love my cat and dog

I want them back…to hold, to love and to love me back.

I want love

I want to change

I want to make someone proud

I want sleep

I cry

I’m weak

I want to look different

I want to impress

I want to awe

I don’t want to intimidate…most days

I don’t want to come across arrogant

I don’t want to be judged or accused

I want peace

I feel hurt

I feel crazy

I want peace

I want love

I want beauty

I want comfort

I want stability

I want peace

I want to be heard

I want to be listened to

I want to be understood

I’m confused

I’m confusing

I stutter

I don’t want to eat

I want to vomit

I want to weep

I want to be held

I want to be apologized to

I want it to be real

I want my ‘wants’ to be important to someone

I don’t want to deal with reality

I don’t want puffy dark eyes

I want steak and mashed potatoes and corn

I want to drink

I want sleep

I want good dreams

I want more pillows

I like cool sheets

I want to redecorate my room

I want change

I want fashion

I don’t want to have any thoughts

I want peace

I’m feeling everything

I want to feel peace

I want to smile

I want a back rub

I want my mom to make me a sandwich

I want to be fun

I want to make people laugh

I want to be trustworthy

I want to change

I want to be changed

I want others to change

I don’t want to want people to change

I don’t want to want so much

I don’t want to be selfish

I want to create

I want to be perfect at volleyball

I want to play all the time

I want love

I want to love

I want to share love

I want to be clean

I’m hard to get along with

I don’t open up

I share things right away

I have a broken heart

I have broken trust

I want to feel safe

I want peace

I like soft things

I like the touch of a hand

I like a hand that comforts and puts me at ease

I don’t like to be touched

I want truth

I don’t want to eat

I want to shower

I want whiter teeth

I want an even complexion and skin tone

I want to be tan

I want to be 6 foot

I want to be cool

I like to have fun

I want to be active

Stubbing my toe is one of my most intolerable pains

I love playing sports

I like to be good at stuff

I want to work on cars

I like the show Seinfeld

I like making fun of everyday life

I own a clip on tie

I have my nose pierced

I have my ears pierced

I wear temporary tattoos

I have athletic legs

I am unhappy with my body

I’m jealous

I have a lot of sunglasses

Lots of shoes

Lots of clothes

So many t-shirts

I can do a lot of things, why wont I?

I like seeing other people’s creativity

I like doodles

I like taking pictures

I’m emotional

I am easily read when I want to be

People don’t get to know me

People like me

I’m a good worker

I like taking Nyquil when I'm sick

My name means: caring one; I think it’s true

I love my momma

I love when she is happy

I’m sad if I can’t make her happy

I have a difficult relationship with my dad

I like summer

I don’t like being cold, but if I am I love cuddling in a cushy comfy blanket

I like to relax

I like to quote movies

I’m not good enough

I can always do something more

I always do something wrong

I can never explain my thoughts out loud

I can’t defend myself

I’m scared

I want love

I want peace

I want comfort

I lose control

I weep

I buried my uncle

I hurt

I played air drums and air guitar with his son/my cousin at the service

I like not knowing what will happen in the next minute

I want control

I am on a need to know basis

I treasure the times I spend with my family

I want to design

I like the way my voice sounds when I sing into a fan

I would fit in well with singers in the 30’s

I like photography

I am a thief of others creativity

I am passionate

I am a reassurance-aholic

I like cassettes

I miss my alero

My mind is boggled by so many things

I hunger to learn

I have too often missed my chances to learn and absorb

Peace and love

Deep down we all need acceptance

Fragments

Roller coasters

The smell of a new box of crayons

Dancing

The touch of someone’s hand(s)

Being held

Laughing until a point of collapse

Surprises bring me joy

I love to surprise or be surprised

It is hard to surprise me

I don’t agree with fighting

I am violent

I want to retaliate

Music exhilarates me

It forms a relationship with my ears, mind, voice and self

I love looking into someone’s eyes and seeing a smile without looking anywhere else

I like scarves

I collect sunglasses

I am a hat person but own none

Vintage

Professional

I will share my thoughts but not my French fries

I want admiration

I am bittersweet with my malleable personality

I love the feeling of accomplishment

I enjoy having work to do

I love getting my work done

I wish I didn’t have to work

I want to travel and explore

I don’t want to need money

I hope to find true love

I want to be pursued

I want to be wooed

I seek too much acknowledgement

I dwell too much on acceptance

I want to put my strength to the test

I want comfort

I want to be content

I want a machine that records every millisecond of thought in my head and writes it down

I don’t hate much at all

I hate mowing

I want a companion

I want animals

I have a caring soul

I need volleyball to remain me

I want stability

I am spur of the moment

I want to un-think

I want beauty

I want comfort

I want love

I want peace

Unleashed Through the Voice of My Hands

     As a result of my ever crippling completely overtaking case of A.D.D. I find it difficult to complete the tasks I set out to do. On a lovely day in...June I believe...(amnesia seems to be getting the best of my short term memory...eh lets face it long term as well)...Anyways June or not, it was a lovely day, and I was determined to be productive. Went up to the room to do some deep cleaning, Get rid of material things that at one point  I desperately needed and haven't picked up since...or have forgotten all together. So I started out well. Stevie was on the boombox reminding of better days and how we both wish they would come back, and I was working on my latest dance move (Coming soon: Summer 2011). And then it happened. I found crayons. And construction paper. I plopped down, only for a second to scribble a little bit, remind myself of the true color of  "macaroni and cheese" "bricks" and "pacific blue"...
    Well after 2 pages of meaningless scribbles, my mind wandered and I grabbed a fresh parchment colored piece of perfectly aged construction paper. I feverishly began drawing and coloring any single thing that entered my misconstrued brain...a giant bug...Skeeter...a dirty sock...Bullwinkle..and on and on it went...
About 30ish minutes later I looked upon my tornado ridden room and then to my masterpiece of diverted attention. Though I didn't complete my original task, I did accomplish a seemingly greater feat: Showing others a glimpse of my inner workings. I am not the top dog when it comes to using my words...I sound more like a dog rather, when trying to explain myself to others...or like some other kind of creature that is capable of only odd noises gurgles mumbles and disturbing facial expressions. Attractive, I know...Control yourself fellas.
    So on I go attempting to conquer my focus so as to acquire the ability to complete things that need doing. And in the meantime surrendering to words and instead sharing myself through the voice of my hands.

Songs in My Head...

Sometimes Adele just says it how I mean it...

"Best For Last"

Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It's been there for days on end and
It's been waiting for you to open up
yours too baby, come on now
I'm trying to tell you just how
I'd like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally
Say that it's always been me

That's made you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

Why is it every time I think I've tried my hardest
It turns out it ain't enough, you're still not mentioning love
What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I'm taking these chances and getting nowhere
And though I'm trying my hardest you go back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

But, despite the truth that I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak, running around
And I will do until I find myself with you

And make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
And we'll say all of the right things without a clue
And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you