Fog

I hate driving in fog. I hate it even more when there is rain, night time, windshield wipers and bright oncoming headlights involved with it. It stresses me out because I can't see anything, and I might not be able to control what happens and what other people might do. It also make me slow down...like, a lot. I hate going slow. Fog also hides other things from me that I will never see until it is right in front of me, or if I have already hit it. The only good thing about fog is that it can cover me too, just in case I don't want to be seen.

This wouldn't be my blog or my post rather, if it didn't have a bit of symbolism in it.

So yeah...there must be a fog machine or something following me around...and it sucks.

I don't know what is going on. That is the most simple way to put it...and most vague way I guess. But I just don't know. Nothing is making sense. Everything I'm trying to think or do or fix is only coming out in fragments and then I forget them. But even though I forget, the emotion still stays...so I am left with all these emotions and no explanation. I am completely lost.

I'm not doing anything right. And yet I don't even know what it is I am doing wrong. But I do know that I have nothing to show for anything that I have done right.
I have deep self loathing.
I can't help.
God...I don't know what I am doing.
I need help, but I want to be strong.
I miss them...all of them.
Love.
Self loathing.
Laughter at the smallest most ridiculous things.
Something built up inside...
The need to cry...but I hold it in...I feel like I have no reason to cry, don't deserve to.
I want attention...but hate how selfish I am ... so then I want to avoid attention.
Future.
Broken. Fragments. Thoughts. Unfinished. Forgotten. Not making sense to me.
What is wrong...

I am in a fog. Nothing is clear. Things are hidden from me. And they slam into me when they come into view. I'm still speeding through everything which might be why I can't make sense of anything. There are so many things I am trying to deal with, the stress is overtaking me and I am losing control.

And then, the okay part of it, is that with all the stuff going on everywhere, I am hidden from others. They can't see how much I am struggling. I am strong and carefree and put together.

Or maybe the fog is making me hazy, distant...making me unapproachable to others or completely invisible to others. I don't want that...I'm afraid of that.

I'm excited for the day when the fog clears and I can see and be happy and others will want to be around me......hopefully that day will come.

Bu the fog is still there. I can't help it. It's causing a few problems. I wish it hadn't. I'm ready to be done with it. But I can't ... it won't change.

So I guess for now, I switch on the fog lights and do my best to get through it and understand it...no matter how long the patch of fog is.