Sandpaper would suck as a blanket...

I have had a summer with a lot of stuff in it. Wait, that was a little vague...
This summer has been crazy.

Now that the air is cleared I'll continue.
I am noticing Ray-bans are back...and I basically know for a fact that I...and possibly my friend Nat...were the ones that brought that into this century again. It really is too bad the rest of the world cannot pull off the look as well as I...and possibly Nat.

I have also introduced the planet to bright colors and how awesome they look. I've been nicknamed "Flash" at my volleyball games because of the outfits I wear. About which people have asked "How much battery power do you need to keep it looking like that?"

Speaking of nicknames, I am also known as "Jerry Taft." He is a weatherman. And I don't quite feel like getting into the explanation of how it came about...but it did and I like it. So now you few readers know 2 of my infamous nicknames for the summer...probably for the rest of my life too.

It will be nice someday when my mom's house has wireless internet so that I don't have to do what I am doing now...Sitting in Panera using their WiFi...except here's my main problem with this situation. Though it is free internet access, I have ended up paying $3.78 for this trip. Because I walk in with every intention to bum some WiFi and walk out when I'm done. But guilt is a nasty thing and it gets me every time. So, the story goes like this: I bought a lemonade slushy to make my conscience shut up and help the dying economy, and proceeded to grumpily slash sheepishly sit at my laptop and do my 'free' business for $3.78
Therefore, my house needs wireless.

Life is making itself aware to me lately. I am figuring out what direction I want it to go in and things have just been happening lately (thanks God) and I just really like it. Then there are the days when I think about it in a different light. The light of doom sheds on everything and I see how much I have to do to reach all of these goals that will make the life I want, happen. It's a struggle. A big one. Like a war in my head...and my body...my body has its own side to this war. It wants to lay down. That's it really. And surprisingly with its weak argument of only one thing...it is winning the war so far.

Well my frozen slushy lemonade is half full and just watery lemonade now...probably not worth $3.78 (I'm a bitter person at times)

It is time to head home and make a t-shirt and brainstorm ideas for an upcoming video.

My Little Pony

So here I sit, in Ottawa, Illinois. At a little coffee shop. Pulling out my computer from the greatest My Little Pony book bag. Chillen with the sweetest pair of sunglasses and enjoying the great weather before playing some intense volleyball.
Life is peaceful and good in this moment...and I'm not hating it...not one bit.

So grab a sweet old school backpack, live it up in a pair of vintage glasses and enjoy something of your choosing. Just to take a break...it's kind of nice guys. Just do it...Nike style.

Fog

I hate driving in fog. I hate it even more when there is rain, night time, windshield wipers and bright oncoming headlights involved with it. It stresses me out because I can't see anything, and I might not be able to control what happens and what other people might do. It also make me slow down...like, a lot. I hate going slow. Fog also hides other things from me that I will never see until it is right in front of me, or if I have already hit it. The only good thing about fog is that it can cover me too, just in case I don't want to be seen.

This wouldn't be my blog or my post rather, if it didn't have a bit of symbolism in it.

So yeah...there must be a fog machine or something following me around...and it sucks.

I don't know what is going on. That is the most simple way to put it...and most vague way I guess. But I just don't know. Nothing is making sense. Everything I'm trying to think or do or fix is only coming out in fragments and then I forget them. But even though I forget, the emotion still stays...so I am left with all these emotions and no explanation. I am completely lost.

I'm not doing anything right. And yet I don't even know what it is I am doing wrong. But I do know that I have nothing to show for anything that I have done right.
I have deep self loathing.
I can't help.
God...I don't know what I am doing.
I need help, but I want to be strong.
I miss them...all of them.
Love.
Self loathing.
Laughter at the smallest most ridiculous things.
Something built up inside...
The need to cry...but I hold it in...I feel like I have no reason to cry, don't deserve to.
I want attention...but hate how selfish I am ... so then I want to avoid attention.
Future.
Broken. Fragments. Thoughts. Unfinished. Forgotten. Not making sense to me.
What is wrong...

I am in a fog. Nothing is clear. Things are hidden from me. And they slam into me when they come into view. I'm still speeding through everything which might be why I can't make sense of anything. There are so many things I am trying to deal with, the stress is overtaking me and I am losing control.

And then, the okay part of it, is that with all the stuff going on everywhere, I am hidden from others. They can't see how much I am struggling. I am strong and carefree and put together.

Or maybe the fog is making me hazy, distant...making me unapproachable to others or completely invisible to others. I don't want that...I'm afraid of that.

I'm excited for the day when the fog clears and I can see and be happy and others will want to be around me......hopefully that day will come.

Bu the fog is still there. I can't help it. It's causing a few problems. I wish it hadn't. I'm ready to be done with it. But I can't ... it won't change.

So I guess for now, I switch on the fog lights and do my best to get through it and understand it...no matter how long the patch of fog is.

Blog...er "Blaaahg" rather

Well I have definitely been feeling pretty 'blah' lately.

I have received bad news out the whazoo and my general feeling has plummeted down into Blaaaahville. I often have this globby sludge that is slowing me down. I have come to 3 possible conclusions of what this sludginess is.

1) Literal sludge that has built up in my system somehow...gross.

2) Baggage/Incessant thoughts from my past/present/...future? (Can you have future baggage? Seems serious)

3) Physical tiredness

These are all highly scientific conclusions of course. But anyways, the result of all this science, is me...in bed...constantly.
That, my friends, is kind of lame. Just about as lame as my new addiction to a few computer games.

Aside from the sludge and blaaaah ... I think I have also developed a minor case of early onset menopause ... and possibly arthritis. Last time I checked I was not 53...So this kind of sucks.

Jes is also teaching me how to play video games...other than my beloved N64 games. It seems I struggle a lot with these new age games. For instance, with the play station controller...why are there 2 steering things? I was completely happy with just 1 on my N64 controllers. It involved a lot less multitasking...which is apparently necessary for all these new age games...Haha I like how I refer to them as 'new age' when they actually came out in and for my generation. Awesome Emma. Awesome.
So anyways, I suck at this stuff, and it really bothers me. Because I am Emma. Amazon Warrior Princess. I fail at nothing. I dominate everything. That is all I know.

Well to wrap up this pretty pointless time filler blog post, I will tell all you peeps out there that I have finally done it. I found my male true love (No I am not Bi...I only said 'male' because there are in fact females that I dearly love, and I'm pretty sure they would be offended if I hadn't clarified. So there). Anywhozzles...I found him.
He is furry, young, and quite playful. A bit on the pricey side though, so it might be awhile before we are reunited. His name is Judd. And he is one of the cutest pups I have ever seen. So anyways, I'll be sending out my "Save the Dates" soon enough.


Meanwhile...
You stay classy San Diego. I'm Emma Miller?.......Dang it....Who put a question mark on the teleprompter??

Death...

(Finally after 2 weeks of having this document open and trying to write this, I have finished it.)

Death- 1. Extinction; 2. The total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism; 3. The termination or extinction of something

Synonyms- Decease, Demise, Passing, Departure

I think another synonym for death should be selfishness. Not that it is selfish for the person to die. It would be ridiculous for me to say that. I only mean that it should be a synonym for it because we all focus on when we lose someone is how much we want them back or need them back in our lives.

The pain of the realization that they will never be back is sometimes unbearable. I think what hurts the most when you lose someone is when they didn't know how much they meant/mean to you.

I just recently lost my Great Aunt Joan on my birthday, March 9th 2009, at 8 in the morning.

It has left me mostly speechless, It's so hard to even comprehend this loss. But all I keep thinking is how she meant to me, and the fact that she will never know that. She and my Great Uncle Bob lived not even 4 minutes from my house. However, somehow I still couldn't take the time to go visit them. I feel so horrible for that.

She is the one who made family get-togethers not so awkward. She was always cracking jokes that made everyone laugh. She didn't even have to be making jokes. She was always hilarious just being who she was. At all of my cousin's or family member's, she was always there. I always made it a point to go talk to her. I loved her so much. I couldn't wait for the day when I would be getting married and she would be there. Unlike other little girls who pictured and planned everything about their wedding, this was one of the only things I had planned in my head.

The groom and I walking around to all the tables, talking to each guest. Then walking up to her table...I would embrace her. We would talk about how my day had finally come, how she knew it would, and how she was so happy to be there for it...(Cue me sobbing...tears streaming down my face as I type this...)

My mom told me that one of the many bridal showers we had all been to, Aunt Joan was talking to her and said something about not being able to wait until my wedding and being there for that and the shower. She wanted to be there...for MINE...This is something that makes it even harder to have her gone...She won't be there. That moment will never happen.

I was also the only one at all the other weddings to request some polka music for my aunt and uncle. I was almost always at their table at least once trying to get them to come out and dance with me They always responded with, "Well once we hear a good polka, we'll go out there with ya." I would smile and leave to request it...only succeeding at actually getting them to play it at one of the weddings...but they proudly showed off their polka skills when it did happen. Even though she won't be there now for the day when my wedding comes, I will still follow my plan of playing a special polka song for them. It will be very hard and very sad...but it will still be so special to me.

And yet...though I have so many strong feelings of overwhelming sadness and an extreme want to have her back...I missed the chance to go to her funeral. I feel..horrible. I never went to a deceased cousin's funeral in the past because at the time it was too much for me to handle. I completely and utterly regret that decision. And now I missed my aunt's funeral. And the reason I missed it wasn't even worth it. It is all constantly tearing me up inside. All the regret...shock...grief...anger...hopelessness......the pain.

When someone deals with a sudden death, they often think about the things they should have done while they had a chance. And while I am very much thinking that way, I am also trying to to think about God's part in this. So many times when God is being confronted by us and dealing with us questioning His legitimacy, all humans bring up the point of 'Why does He let us go through such hard times'. People going through a loss might think about that or fight with God over it. However, I think that there is something that is overlooked.

Of course I wish I could go back and change things. And maybe that is something God was cluing my in about: "Hey Emma, here is your wake up call to all of the other important people in your life that you are missing out on. You continue to fail to tell them just how important they are to you." That would be a basic first instinct when reacting to a death and leaning on God to give you answers through hard times and focusing on what He wants you to do with the situation. However, besides that very possibly being what He was getting at here, I think there is more that I learned. We are always screwing up as humans...always. But God is there for us with a way out. He is always trying to show us those ways out and a way to reside in Him. But we are constantly overlooking those signs. He gives us so many. They aren't huge. They shouldn't have to be. We should always be looking everywhere for Him anyways. Some people might say that it is harsh for God to let horrible things happen to us just to get our attention. But it is not like He wants to do that. Obviously. Or else e wouldn't be giving us all these other chances or signs. I know it's cliche, but He does stuff like that because He really does love us.

So in the midst of all the crying and grieving from this loss, I was also trying to figure out what God had planned when He allowed it to happen (Even though I didn't really even need to be worried about it. He has His reasons. And it's okay if we don't know them immediately, or ever.). I wanted to know why He would let it hurt so much. Why would He make me regret so many things. Why would He let me be so selfish in wanting her back. Why would He take away the one moment that I had dreamed about for my wedding.

I am always so focused on myself...and then sometimes I am completely focused on others. I often forget that my main focus should never stray off of God. So I inevitably miss all the warning signs or chances He continues to give me. This makes me think of something more when dwelling on the situation with my aunt. The horrible things that God lets happen are usually so horrible because that is all we self absorbed humans seem to listen to. Something that affects US...we are so focused on ourselves, that once something has wronged us in a deeply painful way, then we focus on why the heck it happened. We don't normally pay attention to the easy breezy style of notification from God. If we aren't bothered or hurt or if nothing is affecting us, we will let it be and just float on (Modest Mouse- "Float On" ...Love that song).

So it's not like it doesn't hurt God to do that to us. It very much hurts Him to see us in pain. But He does it because he loves us and cares for us and is looking out for us. And so in a time of pain, when people are saying to thank Him and we don't know why or don't want to, think of what He might have planned. Or maybe think about things that you haven't been paying attention to lately.

I know God affected me through this. And I know there most likely wasn't just something for me in this situation. God is always on the look-out for others too...duh. Always doing the "kill 5 trillion birds with 1 stone" kind of thing. And selfish me knows that He has more motives than just catching my attention from a certain situation.

There is probably no way that I got across what I truly felt in all of this...I've never been good with words. But it is simply this:

It's hard to handle death. It seems like the only thing involved with it is pain and hurt. But there is also so much love that comes with it. Not just from God and those around you consoling you. But you also realize the love you have for that person and the love you are capable of giving to others around you.

Instead of dwelling on the large amounts of pain that resulted from her death, I am going to live with the love that I know I am, capable of. And I am going to make it known to people...it's always good to know you are loved. And focusing on love can only help me when I am growing with God and listening for Him and His warning signs and helpful hints.

God is love.

I will never stop missing my aunt. I will never stop loving her. I'm never going to get over it and move on. And I will probably cry many more tears over her. But in it all there will be love.

Death- Synonym(s) : Love

Cause Ya Had A Bad Day...

Ah Daniel Powter...what a brilliant man. Way to go with a cheesy song that everyone can relate to. Though it was overplayed like no other song, especially on American Idol, it still rings true. Bad days happen. A lot. Oy veh do they happen a lot. Well today was one out of many for me.
Today was a day where my mind got the best of me and I just thought about everything in my life...definitely a recipe for disaster. I had one of those moments where I thought about where my life is going, what I am going to do after college (or in the middle of college...since I am running out of funds to complete it...yikes), and wondering if I can ever make a living as a hippie in today's world...minus the drug thing. I have no clue. I realize most people don't. But as an irresponsible college student who doesn't care...I think that I am worse off than every human being on this planet...eh maybe not. Then I also thought about how horrible I am doing in school, where I should be preparing for what I am going to do in the real world. But instead I lay in bed and think about what I should be doing and regretting my life...so then I just end up still laying there sulking. Ugh...gross I know. Then I also thought about the people in my life that will be so disappointed in me for what I am doing in my life...boy ain't that a crappy thought. And I continuously thought about many other things that I don't need to mention...didn't really intend on making this a virtual pity party for Emma Miller. :\

So anyways, I shall speak of the other things that happened in my day that made it not so fun, but had some ... some ... comedic relief.

Well the 1 thing that is quite prominent in my mind is this: I ripped my pants. I am often disheartened by the fact that I am gaining weight, and this little occurrence didn't help one iota. However, it was still hilarious. I sat down in my car, felt slash (yes, I just typed the word 'slash' instead of using the symbol...deal with it) heard a giant rip. So I felt the back of mis pantelones...but felt nothing. So I drove on to pick up Jes and head to the gas station. Well I began thinking about it more and knew that something was amiss back there. And behold, The Rip. It......was......huuuuuge. Oh man...huge. The back pocket is basically off to give you an estimate of how big it is. Sadly those jeans were so expensive...and now...worthless. :(
The second thing that happened, not quite that funny, but it still contributed to the bad day. I slammed my door so hard I messed up the window. I still goes down alright. It's just the going up that needs a little help.
Third, my phone was going dead all day. Then when I finally had the chance to use my car charger, it didn't work. and it wasn't just the car charger, it's a fuse or something in my car.

Bah humbug. I wont go on with any more stories (that deserve pity) ;)

But I would just like all you out there, that are running to your Sony Walkmans to play "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter because his words speak to you and you feel like he understands how horrible your day was.... :\ ? Anyways, just letting everyone know that you aren't the only one struggling, most definitely. Everyone is there at many points in their lives. Lots of people will understand you when you tell them that life in the ear of a fly that's been hanging around a pile of rhino dung from 2 seconds ago, would be better than the life you are living right now. But hang in there ladies and gents. pretty soon that fly is gonna move on from the dung and head somewhere infinitely better...like a plate of spaghetti with meatballs...or...maybe around the face of some fiiine hunk of burning love......laaadies ;)

Anyways, the moral of Emma's blog post today:
Life can be a pile of crap on some days, but the days are bound to get better. So just hang in there. Pull up the bootstraps and live life to the fullest.

Emma's second moral of the day:
Go with as many cliche sayings as possible :)

P.S. Fruity Dyno Bites....They're Grrrrrreat....oh wait....They're magically delicious.....um nope that's not it.

Fruity Dyno Bites.... They're Archaeological

...Start your day, the Dyno way!!

Ha ha well there's this cereal...called Fruity Dyno Bites. Best name ever. And they are actually really swell tasting. And I have been working on some commercial ideas and thought they could use a slogan. Hit me up with your thoughts...or leave a comment.

Just more of the SPRING BREAK OF A LIFETIME

Spring Break Baby!!!

Well spring break has finally arrived. Me and Jes are partying it up in Florida on the beach camping in her tent that was in the back of her car......aaaaahhhh the life......

Ok well that's totally false. We had originally planned on that or a bed and breakfast in Georgia. But we realized we have no money and ran out of days to actually plan a trip like that. So instead we decided that both of us were going to meet both of the others parents. So right now we are at her mom's house. Then tomorrow afternoon we are going to her dad's in Michigan. Then on about Tuesday we are heading to my dad's house in Homer Glen Illinois. Then on Thursday we head to my mom's house, also in Illinois...Newark-town of 900. Then it will be my birthday and I am missing class and going to Chicago; where Jes has something planned for me...I have no clue what's going on. I have heard that is going to be awesome...and possilby cold. So my guess is: moon walking with the polar bears. I don't know...

So at the moment I am sitting here with her watching amazing home videos. Where I discovered that we both possessed mullets as small children. OY, what a stage in life. I so wish I was back in the days where I wore power rangers shirts and underwear and was ready to go...wait, I do still do that. Oh man. The 90's. Probably the best era to grow up in. Awesome cars. Awesome cartoons. Priceless hairstyles. Super stylish clothes-matching sweatsuits, stirrup pants, jump suits, frilly socks and shirts...and countless more. Awesome carpet and wallpapers. Ah so many memories. And we just keep making more and more....much of the same..hm weird. Many that will be made on this spring break.

So laying around, eating candy, watching home videos...yeah it's not Florida; but this break has had a great start already and it's only going to get better from here. So just wait to hear the updates of the rest of Emma and Jes' Spring Break of a Lifetime.

Songs In My Head - Lucky

Love Jason Mraz and Colbie. And even though this song gets played a lot...well in my room at least, and in a few other rooms I'm guessing...I still love it. And it gets stuck in my head a lot recently. I think because I long for a love like this. And until that guy comes along, I have my best friends now that I deeply deeply love. And so this song goes to them...


Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

STOP. HAMMER TIME!

Bah humbug...Well here I am typing again on this awesome blog that I only remember every once in awhile. I am trying to make it cooler and so far have not succeeded at all. I that somehow a reflection on me? Since I'm not cool I'm incapable of creating something coool?? That's sad...
I changed up the colors a bit and tried to add some video things, but that just made me more disappointed because I can't pick and choose what videos go up. It's pretty lame in the life of one who doesn't know how to make a neat organized fun interesting blog. All in all the stoked factor of having this little blog has immensely lowered to a meek "whoo hoo I have this thing...coool"
I will not give up though. well, I might.
But it seems I have come to the conclusion that blogs are only cool if:

1. You have a reason for one (Ex. If you are in another country and want to keep people updated or if you are an artist, like me, and want a place to show your portfolio).
2. You know how to do stuff on it (meaning knowing how to do more than just type your thoughts in a few billion posts).
3. ........ Uh, well those 2 reasons are really all I got so far.

So rather than continue to complain I might as well tell anyone reading this how the life of Em C. Hammer has been lately.
I learned that I really enjoy making silly random poems for people. Always starting out with 'Roses are red...' and then completely changing the rest into a comical yet sentimental outpour of my true feelings for them. :)
I also learned that cleaning when I am really pissed off, helps. Not only is it productive, but it somehow gets rid of all my anger and just plumb tuckers me out. Having all of my things clean now has actually improved my mood a tid bit. It seems I really like having everything all neat and tidy.
I am doing horrible in school and it is really stressing me out. I know what I should be doing...but I can't do it. I think Paul would understand me here. I want to do good...I want to go to class....I want to get my homework done...and I also want to sleep the rest of my life. It doesn't mesh well. And I can't explain it to anyone. I'm not a slacker...I promise. But life seems to be slipping out of my grasp most of the time.
I learned that I might be a Shop-oholic. Getting new stuff makes me feel better. Then it sucks when I realize how much money I have crapped away. But sometimes random purchases like a Venus Fly Traps and 150 temporary tattoos are just necessary for my well being.

Ok that's enough. I'll for sure be back for more. But for now....

STOP.

HAMMERTIME.

neeh neh neh neh...neh neh ...neh neh Can't touch this