Fragments

I’m sad.

I’m drained.

I’m immature.

I’m not learning how to be a grown up.

I’m irresponsible.

I’m alone.

I’m needy.

I want comfort.

I want love.

I want to do stuff.

I want to act on motivation.

I want an organized life.

I want someone to be proud of me.

I want to be appreciated.

I want love.

I want support.

I want understanding.

I want change

I want compromise

I want

I’m stubborn

I’m selfish

I’m compassionate

I’m creative

I’m careful

I’m careless

I’m funny

I’m an athlete

I’m out of shape

I try to hard

I’m ridiculous

I don’t have self esteem

I’m moody

I’m a shopper

I’m thoughtful

I’m a people person

I’m a beast

I’m lazy

I like rain

I don’t like wind and rain

I love boating

I want to live in New Zealand

I want to save money

I want new things

I want friends

I want to be me without trying so hard

I want a companion

I loved and love my cat and dog

I want them back…to hold, to love and to love me back.

I want love

I want to change

I want to make someone proud

I want sleep

I cry

I’m weak

I want to look different

I want to impress

I want to awe

I don’t want to intimidate…most days

I don’t want to come across arrogant

I don’t want to be judged or accused

I want peace

I feel hurt

I feel crazy

I want peace

I want love

I want beauty

I want comfort

I want stability

I want peace

I want to be heard

I want to be listened to

I want to be understood

I’m confused

I’m confusing

I stutter

I don’t want to eat

I want to vomit

I want to weep

I want to be held

I want to be apologized to

I want it to be real

I want my ‘wants’ to be important to someone

I don’t want to deal with reality

I don’t want puffy dark eyes

I want steak and mashed potatoes and corn

I want to drink

I want sleep

I want good dreams

I want more pillows

I like cool sheets

I want to redecorate my room

I want change

I want fashion

I don’t want to have any thoughts

I want peace

I’m feeling everything

I want to feel peace

I want to smile

I want a back rub

I want my mom to make me a sandwich

I want to be fun

I want to make people laugh

I want to be trustworthy

I want to change

I want to be changed

I want others to change

I don’t want to want people to change

I don’t want to want so much

I don’t want to be selfish

I want to create

I want to be perfect at volleyball

I want to play all the time

I want love

I want to love

I want to share love

I want to be clean

I’m hard to get along with

I don’t open up

I share things right away

I have a broken heart

I have broken trust

I want to feel safe

I want peace

I like soft things

I like the touch of a hand

I like a hand that comforts and puts me at ease

I don’t like to be touched

I want truth

I don’t want to eat

I want to shower

I want whiter teeth

I want an even complexion and skin tone

I want to be tan

I want to be 6 foot

I want to be cool

I like to have fun

I want to be active

Stubbing my toe is one of my most intolerable pains

I love playing sports

I like to be good at stuff

I want to work on cars

I like the show Seinfeld

I like making fun of everyday life

I own a clip on tie

I have my nose pierced

I have my ears pierced

I wear temporary tattoos

I have athletic legs

I am unhappy with my body

I’m jealous

I have a lot of sunglasses

Lots of shoes

Lots of clothes

So many t-shirts

I can do a lot of things, why wont I?

I like seeing other people’s creativity

I like doodles

I like taking pictures

I’m emotional

I am easily read when I want to be

People don’t get to know me

People like me

I’m a good worker

I like taking Nyquil when I'm sick

My name means: caring one; I think it’s true

I love my momma

I love when she is happy

I’m sad if I can’t make her happy

I have a difficult relationship with my dad

I like summer

I don’t like being cold, but if I am I love cuddling in a cushy comfy blanket

I like to relax

I like to quote movies

I’m not good enough

I can always do something more

I always do something wrong

I can never explain my thoughts out loud

I can’t defend myself

I’m scared

I want love

I want peace

I want comfort

I lose control

I weep

I buried my uncle

I hurt

I played air drums and air guitar with his son/my cousin at the service

I like not knowing what will happen in the next minute

I want control

I am on a need to know basis

I treasure the times I spend with my family

I want to design

I like the way my voice sounds when I sing into a fan

I would fit in well with singers in the 30’s

I like photography

I am a thief of others creativity

I am passionate

I am a reassurance-aholic

I like cassettes

I miss my alero

My mind is boggled by so many things

I hunger to learn

I have too often missed my chances to learn and absorb

Peace and love

Deep down we all need acceptance

Fragments

Roller coasters

The smell of a new box of crayons

Dancing

The touch of someone’s hand(s)

Being held

Laughing until a point of collapse

Surprises bring me joy

I love to surprise or be surprised

It is hard to surprise me

I don’t agree with fighting

I am violent

I want to retaliate

Music exhilarates me

It forms a relationship with my ears, mind, voice and self

I love looking into someone’s eyes and seeing a smile without looking anywhere else

I like scarves

I collect sunglasses

I am a hat person but own none

Vintage

Professional

I will share my thoughts but not my French fries

I want admiration

I am bittersweet with my malleable personality

I love the feeling of accomplishment

I enjoy having work to do

I love getting my work done

I wish I didn’t have to work

I want to travel and explore

I don’t want to need money

I hope to find true love

I want to be pursued

I want to be wooed

I seek too much acknowledgement

I dwell too much on acceptance

I want to put my strength to the test

I want comfort

I want to be content

I want a machine that records every millisecond of thought in my head and writes it down

I don’t hate much at all

I hate mowing

I want a companion

I want animals

I have a caring soul

I need volleyball to remain me

I want stability

I am spur of the moment

I want to un-think

I want beauty

I want comfort

I want love

I want peace

Unleashed Through the Voice of My Hands

     As a result of my ever crippling completely overtaking case of A.D.D. I find it difficult to complete the tasks I set out to do. On a lovely day in...June I believe...(amnesia seems to be getting the best of my short term memory...eh lets face it long term as well)...Anyways June or not, it was a lovely day, and I was determined to be productive. Went up to the room to do some deep cleaning, Get rid of material things that at one point  I desperately needed and haven't picked up since...or have forgotten all together. So I started out well. Stevie was on the boombox reminding of better days and how we both wish they would come back, and I was working on my latest dance move (Coming soon: Summer 2011). And then it happened. I found crayons. And construction paper. I plopped down, only for a second to scribble a little bit, remind myself of the true color of  "macaroni and cheese" "bricks" and "pacific blue"...
    Well after 2 pages of meaningless scribbles, my mind wandered and I grabbed a fresh parchment colored piece of perfectly aged construction paper. I feverishly began drawing and coloring any single thing that entered my misconstrued brain...a giant bug...Skeeter...a dirty sock...Bullwinkle..and on and on it went...
About 30ish minutes later I looked upon my tornado ridden room and then to my masterpiece of diverted attention. Though I didn't complete my original task, I did accomplish a seemingly greater feat: Showing others a glimpse of my inner workings. I am not the top dog when it comes to using my words...I sound more like a dog rather, when trying to explain myself to others...or like some other kind of creature that is capable of only odd noises gurgles mumbles and disturbing facial expressions. Attractive, I know...Control yourself fellas.
    So on I go attempting to conquer my focus so as to acquire the ability to complete things that need doing. And in the meantime surrendering to words and instead sharing myself through the voice of my hands.

Songs in My Head...

Sometimes Adele just says it how I mean it...

"Best For Last"

Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It's been there for days on end and
It's been waiting for you to open up
yours too baby, come on now
I'm trying to tell you just how
I'd like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally
Say that it's always been me

That's made you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

Why is it every time I think I've tried my hardest
It turns out it ain't enough, you're still not mentioning love
What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I'm taking these chances and getting nowhere
And though I'm trying my hardest you go back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

But, despite the truth that I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak, running around
And I will do until I find myself with you

And make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
And we'll say all of the right things without a clue
And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you

Yeah, I'll have a number 2, large with a.....Sorry, excuse me miss, would you like to be a manager here?

Sometimes really unexpected things happen.

For starters, it's not like Culvers is my all time favorite place to eat, but I've been there quite a bit lately. The past whole month has been anything but spectacular. So one day I chose to get myself some much needed comfort from some delicious chocolate custard with oreos and marshmallow cream.

And at this particular Culvers I found an old "friend". He was a waiter/acquaintance from the Oswego Fridays...and he somehow remembered me.

So anyway as I sat and ate, he came over and chatted. It was nice.

At a time where I had felt like I was alone, I had found this unexpected friend.

So I returned a week later to "eat" and also subconsciously see if he was working.

He was.

This time we chatted on and off for an hour and a half.

And just for those of you who need clarification, there are no moves being made to suggest a possible interest aside from friendship, on either side of this...Honestly, for right now, I think God just knew that we both just need a friend. And we each know that we need someone to just talk to.

So now I visit every so often and am received with a giggle or jab or 2 from his coworkers. But I am learning not to care what others think so much. I'm just happy to have someone to talk to and someone to make me smile.

There have been a few times when he is not there, so I've had the chance to make acquaintances with the other workers there. Fun times.

Now aside from all of this unexpected good stuff that has happened, I walked in today for some ice cream and some internet. (He was not working)

But the other managers were talking to me quite a bit. Asking about where I worked and such. And then said they were looking for workers...and a 4th manager.

And then the main manager, said what do you think about working here? Do you want an application? Here let me get you one...

I just sat there like a slack jawed idiot in silence with a goofy smile on my face. He came back gave it to me, said more stuff that I don't remember cause I was too busy being in awe of what was happening.

So I filled it out. He took it. Asked me a bunch of questions before walking away, and then came back and asked another question....Do you want to do an interview today?

:-o

Yes.

So I sit there and wait, in my work out apparel and unkempt hair and naked face, for my interview to begin. Yeah I looked awesome.

As I wait, "he" walks in.

I am then interviewed by all 3 managers, including him. He tells me congratulations, you basically have a new job cause Dave really wants you to work here (main manager).

I am in complete shock of this entire day and a few of these recent days.

I needed a friend, God provided one.

I needed another job, God provided one.

I don't understand how it is that I give up on Him sometimes and He still secretly provides for me. And I still wallow like a depressed freak who thinks nothing is good in her life. Ugh, why don't I grow up and take some responsibility in my life? And why can't I open my eyes to the opportunities that are happening? And there's so many other things going on that I've shut my eyes too....Kansas, other new friends, compliments at my current job....

I wish I could just take the little things and add them up in my head and realize that they basically make up a huge reason for me not to be so upset all the time.

So while I make myself get out of this slump, come see me at Charlotte Russe and my possible new job at the Oswego Culvers.

Watch out for those unexpected pleasantries folks...they'll get ya.

Mowing in Pleasantville?

For the most part I prefer the real world over Pleasantville.
There is, however, 1 thing that they don't have to suffer from...
Mowing.
Even if they did have to mow, they would most likely
be done in 5 minutes and they probably wouldn't be sweating gallons at a time.
I hate mowing.
There are 2 things that help the process be a little more bearable.
My mowing playlist.
And the ability to obtain a tan when the scorching hot sun beats down.
That one is a little bittersweet.
These things help, but definitely not enough to make me
want to make mowing a hobby of mine.

Today's mowing experience did present something quite interesting...
I may or may not have chopped a little chipmunk to bits.
All I know is that I felt the mower jolt, I heard a loud clunk,
and then I saw a whole lot of fur chunks fly out from under the mower...
Hopefully I just gave the little guy a haircut. :/

This traumatic experience may forever put an end to my mowing days...
that and all the other reasons that make mowing horrible.
But in reality, next week you will most likely find me in the same spot I was today
...using blades to murder furry little animals.

Sandpaper would suck as a blanket...

I have had a summer with a lot of stuff in it. Wait, that was a little vague...
This summer has been crazy.

Now that the air is cleared I'll continue.
I am noticing Ray-bans are back...and I basically know for a fact that I...and possibly my friend Nat...were the ones that brought that into this century again. It really is too bad the rest of the world cannot pull off the look as well as I...and possibly Nat.

I have also introduced the planet to bright colors and how awesome they look. I've been nicknamed "Flash" at my volleyball games because of the outfits I wear. About which people have asked "How much battery power do you need to keep it looking like that?"

Speaking of nicknames, I am also known as "Jerry Taft." He is a weatherman. And I don't quite feel like getting into the explanation of how it came about...but it did and I like it. So now you few readers know 2 of my infamous nicknames for the summer...probably for the rest of my life too.

It will be nice someday when my mom's house has wireless internet so that I don't have to do what I am doing now...Sitting in Panera using their WiFi...except here's my main problem with this situation. Though it is free internet access, I have ended up paying $3.78 for this trip. Because I walk in with every intention to bum some WiFi and walk out when I'm done. But guilt is a nasty thing and it gets me every time. So, the story goes like this: I bought a lemonade slushy to make my conscience shut up and help the dying economy, and proceeded to grumpily slash sheepishly sit at my laptop and do my 'free' business for $3.78
Therefore, my house needs wireless.

Life is making itself aware to me lately. I am figuring out what direction I want it to go in and things have just been happening lately (thanks God) and I just really like it. Then there are the days when I think about it in a different light. The light of doom sheds on everything and I see how much I have to do to reach all of these goals that will make the life I want, happen. It's a struggle. A big one. Like a war in my head...and my body...my body has its own side to this war. It wants to lay down. That's it really. And surprisingly with its weak argument of only one thing...it is winning the war so far.

Well my frozen slushy lemonade is half full and just watery lemonade now...probably not worth $3.78 (I'm a bitter person at times)

It is time to head home and make a t-shirt and brainstorm ideas for an upcoming video.

My Little Pony

So here I sit, in Ottawa, Illinois. At a little coffee shop. Pulling out my computer from the greatest My Little Pony book bag. Chillen with the sweetest pair of sunglasses and enjoying the great weather before playing some intense volleyball.
Life is peaceful and good in this moment...and I'm not hating it...not one bit.

So grab a sweet old school backpack, live it up in a pair of vintage glasses and enjoy something of your choosing. Just to take a break...it's kind of nice guys. Just do it...Nike style.